2+ day, 20+ hour ago   (104+ words) The post The World According to Harp appeared first on The Onion. New Study Finds 81 Percent Of Starbucks Patrons Silently Judging Each Other For Being There Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma Just Called To Talk About 1956 Police Lose Planted…...

3+ day, 38+ min ago   (388+ words) More people than ever are eschewing parenthood, and if you talk to my peers, they’ll readily tell you why. They’ll say it’s too expensive, or boast about how they’d rather focus on traveling or their careers. Some will even argue…...

4+ day, 38+ min ago   (263+ words) WASHINGTON—Announcing “60… 59…58…” through their waterproof Bluetooth speakers in a booming, robotic voice that horrified millions of Americans across the country, the nation’s smart toilets have begun counting down, sources reported Wednesday. The technologically advanced plumbing fixtures, some of which retail…...

4+ day, 38+ min ago   (120+ words) This charming 2-bedroom is technically walking distance from the local train station, in the sense that humans are physically capable of walking 41 miles without dying. Reference #633879 The post Commuter’s Dream appeared first on The Onion. Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked…...

4+ day, 38+ min ago   (82+ words) Hope you like cicadas A new Gallup poll found that 52% of Republicans support labor unions in spite of GOP lawmakers’ continued push to stifle union priorities. What do you think? “We can’t count on all bosses to treat their workers…...

6+ day, 38+ min ago   (139+ words) Finally landed the career of your dreams? Well, this dated, leaky 2-bedroom home is still all you’ll ever be able to afford because that’s just how things are now. Settle in and get used to it. Reference #830436 The post What…...

1+ week, 2+ day ago   (260+ words) THE HEAVENS—Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly…...

1+ week, 6+ day ago   (261+ words) Monday, August 31, 2026 Hope you like cicadas I don’t know exactly when my time will come, but when it does, I want a truly remarkable animal that embodies the full splendor of nature to gorge upon my lifeless form. Our world…...

2+ week, 1+ day ago   (92+ words) Sunny enough to heat–but not burn–ants with a magnifying glass A leaked memo revealed that U.S. diplomats are subverting efforts to limit global plastic production, doing so as worldwide plastic pollution grows to over 57 million tons annually....

3+ week, 3+ day ago   (117+ words) The post The Nude, Shrieking, 12-Foot Man Only We Can See: Could He Be The Next James Bond? appeared first on The Onion. Lesbian Softball Team Brings In 4’9” Ringer Better Looking Couple In Commercial Uses Correct Phone Company 138 Dead As…...